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Rate This Contest Entry: Contest: June 30th, 2005 Author: Michael Coleman First and foremost, tell people that you are NOT insane. A common mistake made among newly insane people is to tell everyone their newfound discovery. Besides endangering your freedom, such a statement could deem you a "poser" by the true psychotics, and you might have to be stuck hanging out with such original thinkers as the million or so people who all have a shirt that reads "Don't piss me off... ...I'm running out of places to hide the bodies." or the ever popular "You laugh because I am different... ...I laugh because you are all the same." that all the self-proclaimed non-conformists wear. Don't associate with these people. One of them will try to "help" you by alerting authorities to your whereabouts forcing you to set him on fire in order to prevent that. If you haven't yet, you'll want to start hearing voices. The key to hearing voices is subtlety. I've heard rumors of voices that are loud and distinguishable. These are not voices; they are separate personalities, and you want to read "How to Have Multiple Personalities". Voices sound exactly your own thoughts except that, if you think about it, there's no logical reason for you to think them. If you're hungry and in your head you hear, "Hmm... I think I'll eat a cheese doodle," then it's probably you thinking, but if you hear, "I think I'll eat my roommate's brain and absorb his knowledge," then its most likely a voice. It's definitely a voice if you think that when you're not even hungry. The best trick to go about eating your roommate's brain is stealth. In most cases, the direct approach can only lead to that awkward pause followed by nervous laughter as the request is taken as a joke. Your best bet is to wait until he is asleep and creep up to his bed with utensil in hand. I have yet to make a successful attempt, but I imagine an ice cream scoop would work best. Believe in aliens. Do not just believe that there is a possibility of bacterial life on other planets light years away from Earth, but that highly intelligent beings are orbiting us right now trying to absorb your brain waves with a blue laser device they got at an intergalactic Radio Shack so they can pirate your psychic powers in order to enslave everyone in the United States. I highly recommend streaking through a retirement home. Your lack of clothing will confuse and offend the aliens to the point that you can run out of range of their mind absorbing device. Plotting a course through such a large group of senior citizens will also overload the machine with thoughts of pudding and Matlock allowing you to escape with your mind in tact. If this does not work, then try a church picnic. The aliens tend to avoid religious events for they fear the wrath of the mighty half panda half sea horse cyborg that is their God. For those of you who ARE God or possibly just an angel of death, I suggest an alliance with the aliens in hopes that you will be able to borrow either a cup of sugar or a laser capable of blowing up entire planets. Whenever a voice wonders if the red flags embroidered with the golden arch emblem on the roof of McDonald's restaurants are obtainable, climb on top of the building and pluck one from its perch. You'll want to wait until no one is around and go to the back where the Dumpster is located. There you will find a ladder to the roof, and the rest is just a matter of climbing and grabbing. Gloating of this feat is optional. Be warned, however, the town deputy, Earl, though slow-witted, can always overhear conversations between those you tell, and if you take more than five of them, you could get charged with grand larceny... ...hypothetically, of course. After you take eight, you can always fulfill your community service at a local fire department. The firemen won’t have as many fires to deal when they can keep an eye on you, and fire trucks practically clean themselves. Definitely take some sort of creative writing class and write about real life occurrences or dreams you've had and everyone will think that you are a really good writer. When they ask how you can write about these things with such expertise, tell them that you once watched a movie in which a man killed his family in front of you and taught you all about murder, death, and insanity. Don't tell them that the man was your Uncle Steve. Definitely don't tell them that by "watched a movie" you meant "witnessed first hand from the broom closet." Stop sleeping. That's when They get you. Sometimes, you will start feeling tired or just a little depressed. It's usually because the aliens are using your psychic abilities to broadcast their subliminal messages to the public. One way to remedy being sluggish is to set yourself on fire. Not entirely, of course, but maybe just your arm or foot, anything that can be extinguished easily. The pain will give you enuff power to reverse the broadcast and save the American people. One way to cure your slight depression is to set a friend on fire. This won’t do anything to counter the aliens, but it'll sure give you a good laugh. At some point, you may have a dream that a race of seven-foot vulture people is trying to kill you. When this happens, arm yourself with two of the biggest knives in the kitchen to the left of the sink, curl into a ball, and watch out the window for them to arrive. Your friends might ask you what you are doing. Simply jump to your feet, point the knife at them and tell them about the vulture people. It helps if you speak in code, or "gibberish", so the vulture people can't understand you. There's a good chance that your friends won't take the news well and flee in the other direction leaving you to fend for yourself. Cowards. From time to time, you may want to assume the identity of a dead celebrity in order to hide from your other wordly oppressors. You just have to accept this and go on with your life as this person. Forget everything about your previous life; you won't need it anymore. If anyone tries to tell you that you're someone else, just scream and flail your arms violently. If they are not swayed by this, throwing your feces at them is a sure-fire way to get them to leave you alone. Talk to your mother every day. Calling her on the phone once in a while isn't enough. You have to talk to her every day, whether she can hear you or not. You shouldn't stop just because she dies either, oh no, that only means you should talk to her more. It's lonely being dead. Lastly, always listen to your mother no matter what she says to do unless a voice tells you otherwise. Plea sanity to the charges of arson and attempted murder. Prisons aren't as clean as mental institutions, but the jackets are no where near as uncomfortable. It's not as fun as it sounds to hug yourself all the time. After CAT scans reveal the falseness in your plea, remember that padded rooms are fun because you can bounce off the walls and if you behave yourself they might let you share a room with a nice man named Clarence until you try to eat his brain. 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